I was thinking the other day about the sad, dilapidated state of our infrastructure, our roads pot-holed as if we had been carpet bombed by the B-52s of Trickle Down Economics, our schools, ruined by the rabid anti-intellectual and anti-science movements about in our quaint little world power, and our bridges and dams bursting at the bolts and beams because a brush clearing enthusiast needed to go all “Super Saiyan” on some guy with a mustache in a desert far, far away, and, well, while thinking about this, I immediately thought of some positives for the future, or, “ideas,” if you will.
The Big Kind.
You know, the ones that John Boehner ponders over during a nice tanning session and 8 vodka tonics sans tonic water and then clicks the “Evil Button,” abolishing it to the deepest, darkest part of his brain: The Crying Gland.
So, as it were, a few grand ideas to fix America:
One: We take all the bankers and hedge fund managers, and replace them with illegal immigrants straight out of the strawberry fields. Think of the raw potential! A rag-tag group of, Non-native, non-English speaking workers from the bluest of blue collar backgrounds gets to control to all the money in the world! This fixes two problems, as we become the nation of dreams again by erasing the whole bullshit-unless-you’re-a-legacy-kid-at-Princeton thing, and put the dream right back in American Dream. Why, we could call it the Dream Act.
What’s that you say? What to do with the bankers? Well, I think this is fairly easy: make them enlist in the military to fight the wars they’ve been comfortably living away from for all of these years while betting against the fact that poor people might not be able to re-pay their loans. I hear Kabul is nice this time of year. Fighting season is bikini season!
Two: We free all the detainees from Guantanamo, drop them on Rick Perry’s doorstep, and film the following gun-slinging, dang-nabbin’ hilarity to make America’s next great Reality TV show: Rick Perry Has A Gun, And There Are Hundreds Of Muslims On His Porch. Just imagine the ratings! Liberals would love it for the literal irony, and conservatives would love it, because, well, they’re into that sort of shit!
And not only that, but we could show the show to a test audience of Tea Partiers in a giant theatre and release a bunch of naked, oiled-up gays into the auditorium, lock the doors Inglorious Basterds style, and then proceed to film that for the follow-up reality show. Oh, imagine the sweet, sweet moments in great TV.
“‘Ma, get the popcorn’ ready! Ricky found Mohammed hiding in his nubile, virgin daughter again! Ohhhhh he’s so gonna pummel his ass! Hey! What are all these queers doing in here?! Get them…get them…oooooohhh…look at their perfectly pedicured feet…”
Hey, what’s Marcus Bachmann doing in this all the sudden?
Three: We put a solar panel and wind turbine right smack dab in every douchebag’s yard who has one of those Ford F-350 SuperCab Small Dick Enviro-Murder Mobiles with the dirt-bike trailer attached just for shits and giggles.
Four: We re-pave the roads with lobbyists, so that not only do we get a new road surface, but we have a reason to go to work in the morning: to drive over the bastards who keep our country in a state of stagnation for monetary gain, thus bringing up our national moral and also making public transit much more on-time from the satisfaction it would bring to drive behemoth buses over the faces of thousands of lobbyists on the way to work each day. Look out Switzerland, we’re reinvigorating our time management skills!
Five: Every time someone at a Tea Party rally, debate, or feverish tax cut orgyfest yells out “Let him die!” in their opposition to health care for a sick, dying man, or an entire crowd cheers wildly for the mere mention of executions, we dump a billion dollars into KFC’s coffers to help speed up the evolution process. Now those are the sort of bi-partisanship agreements I’m talking about!
And big idea number six: We actually do start putting our money where our mouth is and we take on the fact that our roads look like a country backroad in Romania, our schools are stuck in a decayed state of the 1950s, and our airports, oh our glorious sock-juice covered airports, are such a source of national embarrassment that you can actually hear the rapidly developing world laugh out loud every time they land on our soil to take building contracts that were once covered by the American workers that built our country in the first place.
We put 12 men on the MOON FOR CHRIST SAKE! THE MOON! Can you imagine our country doing something like that today? There would be protests from all the old, crusty white people who think Obama only wants to goto the moon so he could found the nation’s first interstellar summer socialist camp for kids!
So, how do we get on the ball again, you ask?
It’s quite simple, really: get off Facebook, put down the Angry Birds, and leave Words With Friends on the table, I promise, it’ll be there later. How do I know this? Because it isn’t reality. It’s not tangible. What’s real is passing us by. Your suspension getting sheared off so the rich could have a lower marginal tax rate is real. Your kid learning in a room surrounded by asbestos and lead because half of the political landscape wants to abolish the EPA is real. And the fact that our generation, just coming into contact with upward mobility, is looking over a landscape of jobs that consist of “Content management” in “highly-regarded start-ups” that don’t produce anything besides selling you more ads and is considered America’s economic future, is real.
If we can’t buy what they’re selling us because there are no more jobs to build anything of lasting value or service, well, I think you know how the second part to this question goes: What is Rick Perry going to do this week when he finds out Ahmed ate all the Cheetos in the pantry?! 7 p.m., only on FOX.