I decided to shake it up a bit from the usual political panderings and sexual double entendre for the week. I give you…”The world according to what it takes to land an entry-level job out of college.” Enjoy.
Successful candidates will have or will do…
- A Bachelor’s degree, Master’s preferred (Ph.D even better)
+7 years of relevant experience
+5 years of knowing everyone in your field of study and/or expertise so we can use you real good so it’s basically like you’re not even working, you’re just a cog in the vast minefield of business that gets paid for knowing people
+17,000 years of FinalCut Pro experience with a diverse portfolio of everything from feature length motion pictures to clever, witty ad campaigns for the most successful Fortune 500 companies out there (Hey, Cavemen needed to be sold something too!)
+$2,000 in cash
-Tri-lingual abilities. One language romantic, the other, preferrable Cantonese for when you need to converse in a professional, and highly analytic manner with our overseas IT department
-Build a content management system for our website all by yourself in ten days or you die
-Design highly appealing eye-candy UI interfaces for our customers/viewers/don’t you know we don’t really do anything besides make Top 5 lists of buzzwords to get ourselves higher in the Google indexing algorithm so you can view all the ads that line our pockets while we sit around and basically do nothing all day besides rearrange deck chairs?
-Have your own Unicorn
-Have a great sense of humor
-But be serious at the same time
-Be a great cook
-You’ve run a Wall Street bank for the past 10-15 years
-Own a small ranch in Colorado
-Be a great blogger and Twitterer who can communicate to our vast, diverse audience of social media enthusiasts and know what it takes to get their attention
-Have a third degree in Marketing/Business/Selling cyanide-laced baby food to unsuspecting parents (We value campaigns that can move any product)
-You’ve planted an American flag on the South Pole (Moon, even better)
-Be great at giving massages
-Be great at giving Exorcisms
-You’ve written at least 5 “Top Ten” radio hits in the past decade
-Provide your own lunch four times a week (Free catering on Fridays!!!)
-Be a highly competitive Quidditch player
-You’ve killed Satan in many different venues
-You’ve worked at Zynga! (And killed Satan there)
-Be 10 percent Belgian
-You’ve killed a Rhinoceros with your bare hands
-You’ve killed Dane Cook with your bare hands
-You know both Windows 7 and OS X Snow Leopard like the back of your sleep-deprived eyes and are multi-talented in multi-platformed ways
-You’ve taken over the world at least twice
-You’ve won two Super Bowls, three NBA titles and a World Series all without using steroids
-You actually designed the Saturn V rocket
-You cured cancer
-1,456,000 years of Flash or Dreamweaver work (With a portfolio to show it!)
-And, again, a great sense of humor
Salary: Hourly, highly competitive
Oh, and don’t follow up with you application 
. But if you do, we’ll send Uma Thurman and a couple of swords to your house to f@#k you up because you bothered us in the middle of our work day.
Have a good one!
