Seemingly, every month a new story teeming with absurdity and delectable irony via horniness and “you couldn’t make this shit up if you were high, coked out of your mind, and knee deep in a bed full of strippers” rises up through the 21st Century Tweet-Machine. Needless to say, stranger than fiction is always in full effect when you have religion, sexual urges, money, and politicians involved, so let us explore a few scenarios that might or might not happen in the coming months of our fine year, 2011:
1. A Republican Congressman turns out to be growing marijuana in the basement of Congress via electricity made from Solar Panels while employing illegal immigrants from Mexico to keep the grow-house running, man. Crazy sounding? Yes. As crazy as Latino terrorist-woman squeezing out babies on to the shore of the Rio Grande with a Koran in hand and a predisposition to destroy America from the inside out? The horse says nayyy! I have a sneaking suspicion about Darrell Issa being the eventual culprit. Only a guy from California paranoid enough to investigate everything would be blitzed out of his effing mind and wondering where the Cheetos are that he must liberate from the vending machine. Probability of happening: 84.67 percent.
2. An oil executive turns out to be running a secret dolphin sex-ring in the Gulf of Mexico while BP employees take bets on which dolphin gets pumped full of oil and dispersant when they fail to impregnate a female dolphin. Crazy as all hell? Possibly. But as crazy as our President being a secret socialist orator under the guise of racism and Stalinism wrapped up in one big Kenyan hand-weaved Anti-Christ blanket? Methinks the right-wing doth protest too much. Probability of happening: 99.7 percent.
3. Mitt Romney turns out to have three secret gay husbands that he’s kept hidden underground in a small basement cellar under center field at Fenway Park for 15 years. Naturally, absurd sounding, but can it match up against Michelle Bachmann’s wild, wild world of Census mind control, government workers coming out of Yellow Wallpaper and collective of chic and stylish tin hats? You be the judge. Probability of happening: 69 percent.
4. John Boehner has an office aide who’s actually competent, not an alcoholic anonymous sponsor, and an emotionally mature single-lady looking for an average guy to settle down with and totally live the glitz and glam of the D.C. ‘burbs while someday dreaming of running for office without a screw loose. Probability of happening: 0.67 percent.
5. Mike Huckabee is actually an undercover brilliant satirist working with Sasha Baron Cohen on a film about how easy it is to dupe Americans into believing that dinosaur bones are God’s way of testing our faith, and that Satan is one helluva prankster. Probability of sweet, sweet neon man-thong profits happening: 2.2 percent.
And, most delicious of all: 6. Barack Obama stops caving in to Republican poker faces and realizes they’ll never give him an inch and starts cramming progressive legislation down the throats of all Americans to the point that the deepthroat metaphor chokes us up with tears of remembering a time when the magic of the second Death Star blowing up on November 4, 2008 was ripe in the air, the youth were celebrating the hope Senator Obama brought to a new generation, and we were all basking in the wonder of what could be. Probability of happening: Let us hope.
